Blind Stupidity

I know that not many other people will think these thoughts to be significant or even worth writing about, but I do, and luckily with writing that is all that really matters: what I want to say.

Many others, writers, philosophers have probably said something similar about the rare opportunities we get to sit above Time and take a good look at our lives and how moments in time, dots below us, all connect. I believe these thoughts written below to be me being blessed with an opportunity to connect some dots.

I was raised in a house that was across the street from left field of a baseball field. I fell in love. Thus the Jim Bouton quote below. Great game. The thing about sports though, with real athletes, we have high pain tolerances and we suck it up, and we dig deep into everything we've got. If we look sick, coach might not let us play. If we show pain, coach might not let us play. We are stoic and strong. While I don't enjoy looking back in time and knowing that I was worshiping sports, an idol, I do know God had me take on these characteristics of that of an athlete to help me now. I have poor health, now. Lots of pain all the time. Lots of fatigue all the time. It is bad, and that is an athlete, a real one as I call it, telling you I don't feel good. Ask old coaches of mine, I don't admit anything unless it is bad or if I know I can be stronger than it. In this case, it is both. It is stronger than me most days, but I also have moments when I am strong and stoic and hide it well. I handle pain well. I don't complain. If anyone could handle this disease well, and with grace it is me. I honestly believe without sports this disease would have beat me. God shaped me growing up to prepare me for this. I thank Him for not only giving me the will of an athlete and the ridiculously high pain tolerance and strength that I developed over the years of worshiping something other than Him, but I thank Him for helping me connect the dots on this one. Who I was helps me be who I am; even if I look back and am disappointed in her, God worked it out for His purposes.

I was born with a head of hair. Let me tell you, hair! It was straighter when I was younger, I went through this really short hair phase and it grew out curlier, very poor life choice. I miss straight hair. It is lighter; doesn't weigh the head down as much, and if you took the time to physically pay attention to how heavy your head was, or if you have gone from curly (with a head of hair) to straight, you know: lighter is important. That and I personally believe straight hair is easier on time management, but this is all irreverent rambling to keep your mind focused on a head of hair. Still got it, good. Now think about this: all these years, hair, has been annoying, frustrating. Too much of it, big bulky pony tail, and I always wear my hair in a pony tail (well not always obviously, but most of the time). I need more shampoo. I need more conditioner. I need a big bulky hairbrush. I have a bigger hat size than most, and I like hats. All this stuff I used to, in childish stupidity and ignorance (or something, too tired to analyze it out), and occasionally still do complain about. The thing is though...the thing is though, is I am on a low dose (very low for auto-immune ish) of chemotherapy. I shower and more hair than normal is around when I am done. It just happens. When I brush my hair, more than normal is around. It is just a thing. But guess what, with my head of hair God gave me, I still have plenty. I am ok because He "cursed" me with so much hair. When they say He knows the number of hairs on your head, in my case it was literally Him planning for the future. I don't know about you, but it takes me aback a little bit. The dots connect for me. I don't want to know what my head would look like if He hadn't counted as high when He was planning me, writing my story in His book and not being able to see all of time at once. His knowing how many hairs He should count up to was going to be and is very helpful in the self-worth I find in a mirror. I thank Him for taking a little more "time" to count high, and I thank Him for forgiving me when I selfishly and stupidly complain about a gift. I know you don't know how much hair I throw away all the time, honestly I don't think you want to, and I am not sure I can ballpark that kind of a thing, but I do know how much it is roughly, and I can tell you I would be kinda bald. Thank you God for planning ahead--hehe, a head :) thank you.

Lord, help me to stop complaining about things that are gifts, whether I realize with those rare moments sitting above Time with a big pen connecting the stars, real starry moments in my life that shine so brightly in the dark, or whether I am still in the dark, I know from these two experiences that you do know all of time at once, and you keep track of everything, You plan for anything and everything, especially this big disease of a thing in my life. You have it and everything all figured out. We complain, and you laugh because you know what You have done for us; You know reality; we know what we think we see. I guess...just help me remember something I complain about today, or think insignificant today, could be something I thank you for tomorrow. So maybe I could try thanking you today. Maybe we all could. You show us Your point of view every once in a while, and that should be the view we try to see everything from, the view that we begin to let shape our reality.

"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." - Romans 8:28 NLT

Anselem's Exhortion

For a lack of knowing where else to put this so I can see it regularly in something other than my poor penmanship, for I see it speaking to me directly and needing to speak to me on a regular basis, I am leaving it here (in hope it speaks to more than just me).

"Up now, slight man! Flee for a little while thy occupations; hide thyself for a time from thy distrurbing thoughts. Cast aside now thy burdensome cares, and put away thy toilsome business. Yield room for some little time to God, and rest for a little time in Him. Enter the inner chamber of thy mind; shut out all thoughts save that of God and such as can aid thee in seeking Him. Speak now, my whole heart! Speak now to God, saying, I seek Thy face; Thy face, Lord, will I seek."

From page 43 of The Knowledge of the Holy by A.W. Tozer