Snuggle Time

We are coming up on my three year anniversary of a very difficult time in my life. I almost died, I knew I was dying somehow, I felt it somehow (slowly but surely), and I wanted to die (because the pain was so awful and the future so seemingly dark).

Those feelings about death are a lot to deal with once God says, "Ok child, I want to see what you do with this life; enjoy it the way I created you to enjoy it this time around." I clearly thought I was going to heaven. I just said goodbye to this world, and was ready to say hello to a shady peace, but peace nonetheless, and now I have to say goodbye to the peace and hello to this world--that doesn't seem all that fair. And it is much harder than you can imagine. But I have been and am trying to enjoy and live this life in a way I believe God wants me to. I slip up regularly, but I have changed a great deal for what I would say is the better as well.

Trees, sky, clouds, rain, birds chirping, sunsets and sunrises, all that mooshy stuff is beautiful and breathtaking and I stand in silence and awe of it regularly like one might expect.

Here is some Poetic Irritability as Poe would call it: People who honestly don't have that hard of a life (trust me I know) go around saying life is hard and I go around (in pain and extreme fatigue every day) saying life is beautiful. God definitely has changed me, especially because I used to be the one going around saying life is hard, suck it up. And this beautiful perspective is nice, it is real peace, without the dim shade of death hovering over it. There is light on this peace and I thank God for it, but...

...but around this time of year, the cold shadows start getting closer and closer. Like the sun is shining high and then this figure walks in front of it and its long shadow is reaching out toward me and then walking toward me and the darkness gets closer and closer, covering my feet, my legs, my stomach, my chest, my head, and before I know it I am lost in this shadow.

Currently I would say we are up to my feet, but I know it will get darker. Yeah death seems to just walk past me every year at this time now, so the Sun gets to shine on my face again and I am warmed again and life goes from dark to beautiful again, but it takes a while. And right now, now my feet are cooling in the darkness and I know more of me is getting colder, so I am going to tell you what I told my roommate from freshman year (Roomie I love you!): I just want to snuggle the shadows away....