Monday, December 24, 2007

Time's Knots: The Knot Theory

I am not completely sure what it is now, but I have no concept of Time. Mind you I can't have a job and I can't go to school, so I have no real responsibilities or times to be somewhere doing something. Even if I did I probably wouldn't be able to physically make it, unless I play with Prednisone (that is a different blog though). But I can't understand Time anymore.

I don't know what day it is. What the date is. What month it is. What year it is. Time is a blur.

An example is that it doesn't even feel like Christmas. But I think that is less something to be sad about and more like a good thing, because every day feels like Christmas. Every day is full of magic and light and love and joy and celebration. To you Christmas is rare. To me it is everywhere everyday. I think it is less sad for me, like you are thinking and more sad for you like you are totally not thinking. Every day is special. I felt sad about it at first for sure, that is the normal reaction. But tonight, I don't. Like in Blue Like Jazz God is actual magic, not just an illusion. And I am aware of that. So no more sadness. Only joy!

My mom said, back when writers didn't officially realize how underpaid they were, that she knew why I watch TV. It is because that is the only way I know what day it is. Cue smile.

Sunday: Extreme Home Makeover and DH
Monday: How I Met Your Mother, Big Band Theory, Chuck, and Heroes
Tuesday: Bones and House
Wednesday: Pushing Daisies and Bionic Woman and Life
Thursday: Smallville and Greys

Friday and Saturday wishing it was any other day

Between TV and my AM/PM weekly pill container I know what day it is. Other than that, not so much...Sometimes.... Maybe....ok, occasionally. Isn't that strange though? Imagine not knowing what day it is at 21.

I used to be one of those "I work too hard seven days a week with a full day planner" Rory Gilmore with athletic ability types. And now...now all I have to do is:
wake up, get out of bed (which is harder than you think), muster strength and appetite to eat something, take pills in correct order at correct times, read, write, talk to God, play the guitar to praise God, spend time alone with God, fall in love with God, listen to music, enjoy some part of the day, find beauty in the day, hug mom, hug dad, pet dog, occasionally shower, sleep a bit if at all, watch TV.
And all that really doesn't take up much time in a day. And I do the same thing every day, so it all blurs together.

I can't remember much about the different days anymore either. I can't remember if I just thought something or if I said it already. And with an imaginative mind that thinks way too much now as a writer, it is even more blurry. I facebook or text people stuff that I am not sure if I have said before. I hope they know I truly mean it if I end up saying it more that once. And it has obviously been on my heart and mind a lot if I say it more than once. So don't feel like I am just saying it again for attention or whatever, or think it has lost its meaning. It hasn't! I am just lost in Time's line. I really am.

It is more like a knot really, to tell you the truth. Stuff overlaps and gets confusing and I get so lost trying to follow it in a line. And all those moments sitting above Time with God taking a good look at everything that confuses me down here.

But who knows what Time really means anymore anyways? And I bet it has knots in it anyways. You just might not be aware of it. Or maybe my Time within my reality is full of knots and yours isn't. Or maybe Time is a bunch of knots. We don't really know.

I guess I am just trying to say, this is hard, this life that isn't a line, that is all knotted. It is hard for me, and it is hard for you, either your life with knots or you dealing with mine. But this is the way it is and I want you to know that. My mind is lost all the time. And I can't follow life in its line, if it is even straight and knot free. So I know you don't understand this life I life because you don't live it, but I do, and I am telling you it is hard and confusing, and I hope that explains part of me to you, though it probably doesn't. It kinda confuses me more and I am writing it. But this changes me. This knotted life makes me different from you in ways you don't understand, and I want you to understand me, or to help me understand me. And that is why I am talking this out with you. That and there are others like me. Who are sick, who are tired, who are sick and tired, who are sick and tired of being sick and tired and not living life in a line. Who are tired of trying to undo all the knots, or who have given up on trying to unknot life and are realizing that where life loops deformity back in time of forward in time, you too will find beauty. But that doesn't mean deformity is gone. It just means we are trying to focus on just one of the lines of string and knot the other one :) Is any of this making sense. It feels quite non-sensical.

All I know about today, is today I am alive. Today I feel the pain of both beauty and deformity at the same Time, and I believe Time exists within God, and us within Time, so us within God and that is all that really matters, not the knots, but that doesn't mean they don't affect and effect me (us) in ways we still seem to be completely unaware of. Time's knots probably have more effect and affect than we may ever know. I mean, forget string theory. What about the Knot Theory.

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