Dance

Still working out the moves on this one...



I say I love You, yes I say it's true. I tell You I love You, but is this something I do? I say I love You, yes I say it's true. I tell You I love you, but is this something I do? I say I love You, yes I say--

He says He loves You, yes He says it's true. He tells me he loves You and it sounds like he does it too. He says he loves You, yes he says he loves You. He says he loves You and it sounds so true. He says He loves You, and He says...

Life is a dance, just a dance.
Life is a dance, so dance.
Life is a dance, just dance.
Life is a dance, let's dance with You.

I wanna dance like You so I can dance towards You.
I wanna dance towards You so I can dance with You.
I wanna dance with You, so I will dance with You,
And we'll dance forever, and for and ever.
And we'll dance forever, and for and ever.

We will dance with You because we love You.
We will dance with You.
Clunky at first, smooth with practice, we will dance into the abyss.
We will dance this romance like it's our last chance to show You, we love You.

Life is a dance, just a dance with You. Let's dance.

Do We Need A Superman?

I am one of the few people in this world that knows that there are five Superman movies, and I am a girl! My first love was Christopher Reeve. Instead of Disney movies being watched hundreds of thousands of times when I was younger it was Supes, well Superman or a Nadia Comăneci movie (the gymnast).

I never read comic books, I think thank God because I would be homeless from buying them, but I do know a lot about the mythology, the Superman Cannon if you will, though most look at me like I am crazy when I talk like that. And everything I learned I learned--like a good student in the front row of class never taking my eyes off the Teacher, ready to scoop up knowledge like ice cream or to grab my big neon straw when the ICEE was about to flow--from movies and TV. And over the years, starting with two Jewish boys in the early 1900s, to comics, to the radio, to comics, to cartoons, to comics, to TV, to comics, to cartoons, to movies, to comics, to TV, to a movie, to comics, to TV and back again, all involving people trying to evolve the Man of Steel so he works and sells to a current audience.

Superman adapts to the world we live in today. He has to sell now...and he does! I do not think the idea of Superman can ever die. He will live on forever. Looking at our world, he has to. There is no reason he wouldn't.

So this makes me think, think deeply about all these Superheroes we have around, all these supernatural shows and movies and comic books. They are everywhere, and I think, I think I do not believe there was much of a time when in some way a hero didn't exist. There have always been leaders, heroes, throughout time and history they have existed or been wished into existence in the imagination of our hearts. Our story contexts desire, no need, heroes. A main character we like, love, want around, to do something. To affect something. To effect something. Story, life, involves heroes. Don't they?

Looking at story as a metaphor for life we always have a hero. They have always been around and they always will be, it is just that these are super to live up to the super-uber-badness and evil we live in. Something has to be bigger than evil, we need to believe that. Doesn't story, life, involve heroes, and don't we wish they were super? But do we need them to be super?

This world we live in now, it is pretty ugly isn't it? I think it is. I turn the news on and am disgusted, my intestines get knotted and my pulse increases, my heart is thumping loud at the sounds of pain and destruction and hurt in this world. And I think, it is not getting better; it is only getting worse. And it is. It is getting worse. You can't tell me honestly that it isn't. Evil grows. It adapts. It evolves with the Times, shouldn't good?

Evil is strong, and it needs someone to fight it off to maintain balance. If you can take a good look at the world, not just the fairy world of America or California (and look closely enough here or with squinted eyes, depends on how wells yours work and if they transmit images from and to your heart as well as your brain, evil is super, and if evil is super, we need a superhero.

We live in a world longing for help, crying out for it really. Longing for peace, crying out for peace, yet we ourselves seem unable to produce it. Everywhere, every second, people are dying, getting hurt, hurting someone else, stealing, blowing things or people up, crashing cars, crashing planes, getting in accidents, starting wars...cats are stuck in trees, old ladies can't cross the street, young women are tied to railroad tracks, and there is a baby stroller somewhere about to get hit--Lois lane is hanging out of a helicopter as we live and breathe people--this world needs a hero, and he or she needs to be super.

This world needs the X-Men, a Bionic Woman, Clark Kent, The Flash, Batman, or Peter Patrelli after he figures out Adam is the bad guy. With Sylars and Lex Luthors out there we need someone to stand up to them. The world is sick. All we ourselves as mere humans can do is band aid the problems. We are not the doctor. We need the Doctor.

We need a Superman. If we could save ourselves don't you think we would have done it by now? We can't do this on our own people. Admit it. Evil is Super and we need a Superman. We need a Savior.

Game Over

Devil, Ishbane, Screwtape, Whoever You Are,

I don't officially know what your specific purpose is. I have the general idea: you want to pull me from God, or to forget about Him, or be mad at Him or break morality and hurt His feelings, something like that. But I feel like you are watching me, smiling, rubbing your hands together in excitement for some scheme you have planned and that has me a slightly worried and curious. I feel like if I figure out your plan then I can thwart it.

It is something, isn't it? Your plan I mean. You have something. This disease you planned. Not God. He is using it for His purposes too you know. I give in to the Principalities of Darkness sometimes, or often, depending, I admit that. I admit your Imps of the Perverse I have noticed have a huge effect on me. The "mobile without motive" as Poe would say, the thoughts turning to a desire, the desire to a wish, the wish to a longing, and the longing to an impulse. I impulsively do stupid stuff. But you know what I have noticed changes that, reason. If I just take 5 minutes to think about an action first I can outthink you. It is when I don't think that you win. Thus drugs and drunk driving and peer pressure are some of your easiest tricks. No thinking or reason is involved.

Reason. I guess I just got to think this out more. But you have been winning lately, haven't you. I am tired and weak and exhausted. Think more Zoe. Think things out. God. God. God. Think God. Jesus. Christ. All those words in a letter to you. I don't see you smiling any more. Lord. Savior. Not so happy are we. Think more Zoe. God help me think more. Reason more.

So you have a plan, plans to use this disease and many other things against me. Guess what, I know that. Most don't. I am aware of you. I know you are here just as surely as He is here. I know your basic plan. And God and I are going to thwart it. Your thrawl with some day be useless on me. And maybe with this letter to you someone else will beging to beat you, oh so very weak Princes. You do realize it is prince right. God is King. You always play second fiddle to Him. He sees all of Time at once. What do you see, today and yesterday. Guess what. So do I. So how are you better than me if He lives in me? You are not. You are nothing, and I am going to prove to you that is true. Keep trying. I dare you. God and I will still be good. And I get closer to Him every year. You may win today, or one moment here and there, but I will spend Eternity with Him. And then where will you be? How can you hurt me if you can't hurt my soul? You can't.

So good luck, cuz it doesn't matter. He already won. Game over Imp.

Love, Zoe

Dear Friend

Dear Friend,

I just don't know what to do about us. A great part of me wants to move toward you, but who you have been is causing something in me to resist. I am standing here looking at you, unable to move.

My soul doesn't belong here you know, in California. It doesn't really belong in WA if we are going to be technical, because we know it belongs with God (key word, longs to be with God). But there is a Garden of Eden feel and look to the NW and it feels like that is one of the closest places to heaven I can find on Earth.

You can't change so quickly you know, who you were I mean, and I don't think I can really help you. I think it is something you and God need to work on alone. I think if you really want to be diving deep and not splashing around in the kiddie pool, you've got to do it--I can't, I won't, do this for you, I won't push you in. You need to let Jesus pull you under, into Him, deep inside. You got to let Him pull you in. I just don't think I will have much affect...

Plus I have been and still am and still am in the same spot you are about to be in, in the swimming deep part. Consciously making that decision more often. Swimming to Him is something I have to do on my own (with Him). And it is something you have to do on your own. Alone time with Christ. It does us all so much good.

But I wish you well, on this trip to find yourself. And maybe when we know ourselves (in Him) a little bit better, we will run into one another somewhere in the deep abysses of His love. Something will cause us to be together again, just as surely as something is causing me to stand still right now. We will swim to one another soon!

See You Soon,
Zoe

Blessing In A Dragon-Like Disguise

In reply to a mom talking about her son, who has stills disease (February 2006):



My name is ZOE, one of a few in this group. I am 19 and live in Spokane as I attend college. I want to give you a brief story about me and Stills from a younger perspective. There will be tangents all over the place cuz I don't have a lot of time, as Spring Semester starts tomorrow.

I was diagnosed when I was 18, in Nov. 2004. It was my first semester of college. I have struggled a lot here and there. There will be many peaks and valleys to come. As a mom, I can not know how you are feeling, but I am very close to my mother. She is a nurse and I know it breaks her heart to have her only child be so sick and she can't do anything to make it better, or so she feels.

I have amazing parents that have been here with me, not in presence, but in love, support and spirit, as I learn to live with stills. Knowing they will always be there. Knowing how much they care. Knowing they would do almost anything for me is exactly what I need. They help keep me on track of meds and doctors appointments, etc. I love them for that and that is the support I need.

I am very proud of you for being a part of the group. I know the emails are discouraging at first, especially when you are reading about the possible future of your son, but you can not live in denial of this disease. You have to be prepared for anything and everything. Every day I play worst case scenario in my head. I don't want to be caught off guard. I know it seems like a depressing thought, but when you get past the idea at first glance, you realize it can be a life saver down the road.

This disease effects everyone differently. I randomly met someone with stills who is in LA trying to be an actor. He goes most of the year not needing any medicine or doctors appointments, unless there is a flare, which may last a month or two. His life is amazing and he gives me hope.

Stills has changed me and my life, and it always will. I wanted to play competitive softball forever, and now I can no longer play. I wanted to be an athletic trainer, I got into one of the best athletic training programs in the country, and had to drop out. I am now an English major who can't take more than 5-6 credits at a time. My life has been altered, but it has NOT been completely taken away from me. This is not the life I saw for myself, but I will have to say I feel lucky. I feel blessed. Mind you, it is my faith that has carried me this whole way, but my faith has been strengthened due to stills, and for that I thank God.

I appreciate life so much more than my peers. I appreciate the good and the bad. I appreciate every new rain fall or snow or meal that isn't from the hospital. I appreciate being alive. I appreciate being able to drive. I appreciate being able to go to school. I appreciate living in a house and experiencing the college life. I appreciate every friend I get or even had for a short time. Everything is a blessing, and that is something you never could have taught your son. Your son isn't cursed to have a challenging life; he is blessed to know how to appreciate this life.

Every moment will mean more to him. Every love, every relationship, and every class he finishes, every task he accomplishes will mean so much more. His family and parents will mean so much more. He is and will continue to mature in ways you didn't know were possible. Yes he will endure more than most, but it will only make him stronger. His life will mean more to him, and he will use his time here on earth more wisely than many couldn't even dream possible. This will be hard. You will walk down the roads not often taken with him many, many times, but it will only make all of you stronger. It will bring you all closer together. You will appreciate this world and this life in ways that are unfathomable to most. At first glance the unfamiliar, the unknown, is very scary. But with each others help, support, and love you will prevail.

Giving up what society tells you you need will be hard, but with every loss, it might get a little easier, and you will learn that there was never a loss at all, but rather your emotional, mental, spiritual, and intellectual gain. You do not need what society tells you you must have. Life will be simpler, and more joyous with everything you endure with your son. Every day will be a miracle that you will appreciate more and more. To experience light's true brightness you must endure the pitch-blackness of the dark. Stay strong, keep fighting. Living with stills is more than possible, it is a blessing in a dragon-like disguise.

The more God encourages me in subtle ways to give up my life and my dreams, the more I am blessed with living God's dreams and a life for Him. To society I look, at first glance, like a quitter, or a loser, but I am not. I am simply surrendering to Him and to the life he GAVE me, yes gave, as in a gift. I don't know you or your faith, but I just wanted to share mine.

Whatever you believe, hold on to it. I want you to know that you can either look at these emails in fear, or you can be amazed at the strength your son will build up, and be so very thankful you are not experiencing what others currently are. Hold your chin up. Use this time you have now to grow with your son, to love him, to support him. We have but a few days here on earth. Use them as wisely as possible.

You are a great mom. Your responses are natural. But, you are also going to need to build up some strength. Your son needs to see in you and your confidence that everything is going to be ok. He doesn't want to see you afraid, because if he does, he may be more afraid too. I pray you receive strength and wisdom through everything you and your son and your family experiences in the next few years. God bless and take care. Any more questions, please let me know. I am busy, but God and this group come first.

In His strength,

Zoe




Days after this I dropped out of school. Days after that I fell to the floor and cried out to God to fill in the gaping hole I felt like I had inside. He has.

Prednisone: Committing Suicide

Prednisone is one of the most complex drugs I know. I could write about it a hundred times, or think about it everyday like I do, to try to make sense of it for myself, so I can make sense of it to those who haven't experienced it on a long term basis, but it doesn't seem to help. But that doesn't mean I am not going to keep trying.

Prednisone for a prolonged use at higher doses, above 10 mg, is like committing suicide slowly. It will cause problems and take decades (plural) off your life. If you take high doses for a long time it will cause serious complications to organs and then kill you if you keep it up. Guess what? I have been on it for three years. Anywhere from .5 mg to 80 or 100 mg. Right now I have to go from 8 mg to 10 because life is hard. I am scared.

So yes, it helps me. It reduces inflammation and pain and gives me a false sense of energy. So that is good. It helps so many people all the time, in ways in helps me and in many other ways. It can help with allergies too. All kinds of things. It even saved my life, literally. Without Prednisone I would have died, but with it for too long and I will die. So Prednisone and I have mixed feelings.

I am telling you it is good because that is what makes deciding what dose to be on so difficult. I could be on maybe 40-50 mg right now and be able to go to school, be able to have a job, my dream job. But how many years of my life would I be sacrificing. I play the scales all the time. And when I decided to drop my dream job, when I decided to drop out of college, this was because I was lowering predisone to save my life, in the long run and in different ways.

Short term long run if I flare again and things get bad Prednisone is the only thing that will save me, literally possibly save my life from the imflammation that could surround my heart and lungs again. If I am on 40-50 mg and I flare, how much higher will the dose be in order for it to work--too high people! Too much of a risk there, and then you have the scary complications. So school, a job, it just isn't worth the risks involved with Prednisone, and Prednisone is the only way I can feel healthy enough to do those things. So I appreciate everyone wanting me to go back to school or thinking that I can suck it up, and you know what you are right, but it comes at a price, a very high price, and one I have decided I am not going to pay. And I need you to take a very deep look at yourself and think if you would risk higher doses of prednisone just to attempt to be normal. Would you? Would you commit suicide slowly, for a job, for school? I hope you wouldn't. I am telling you it is not worth it!

I haven't even mentioned other side effects I have experienced from higher doses. Acne, all over. Increased appetite. Weight gain. Sweaty all the time. Hands sweat. Less sleep because it is a steroid. I am a girl, it messes with my menstration cycle. It plays with your emotions. Your body craves it and doesn't know what to do when you miss a dose or have to lower it. You feel literally like hell when you try to lower it just a little bit. Like there is a whithdrawal and you got hit by a semi-truck. When I lower just a couple mgs at a time I become aware of every single joint in my feet, my ankes, and my hands at first. Then when I lower it even more, by back goes, every joint in my spine, then all over my body. It thirsts for it like I am stranded in a desert and it is fresh mountain ice water of an unlimited supply. I am sure there is more, but I think I have proved my point:

You don't know me. You don't know my disease. You don't know Prednisone. You don't know my life. You don't know why I quit my dream job. You don't know why I dropped out of school. You don't know my fears of daily experiences. You don't know much of anything. You don't know what it is like to need steroids. You don't know what it is like to know you are taking decades off of your life and to imagine how much shorter life would be if you were still in school and it scares reality into you. But now, now maybe you know a little more. God and I can only hope.

Here is an earlier version I wrote:

Many people used to be able to see an almost normal, healthy, and happy me. I was working close to full time in a vigorous, demanding, and exhausting job, while going to school fulltime. What they don't is that it was all an act. The real problems and daily struggles were masked behind my stubborness and more importantly masked behind a horrible drug called Prednisone.

Prednisone had at one point saved my life, but I soon was forced to learn that it could end it as well.

I started medicinal steroids (prednisone) Nov. 2004 to reduce inflammation from AOSD. I have not been able to come off of them since.

I tried twice, and I went to the ER twice, and one of those trips led to hospitalization.

You see, being on Prednisone for a long period of time is very dangerous. There are life threatening consequences that I have been forced to face. I knew back in Sept. 2005 that I was not going to continue the risk of those consequences. I knew I had to change things around in hope of a healthier future. I gave up my life then (working, my dream job, school, any sense of normalcy) so that I had hope for later. Dropping out of school, and then being able to lower my dose of Prednisone has added years to my life. But this is not the end.

I am only 20 years old now and will battle with Prednisone for the rest of my life. I may never come off of it completely and that is a very scary thing to think about. People hear AOSD and they only think of arthritis. It is so much more than that. There are mental, emotional, spiritual battles every second of the day. On top of all of that there are the millions of medications we are on and will be on for too many years. Medicines help people, but they are usually only used for a short period of time.

When you lengthen their use, especially for 10, 20, 30+ years, the side effects from all the meds may become very dangerous. We not only worry about AOSD leading to an early death, we think about stress, secondary conditions, weakened immune systems, and side effects of these medications being the cause of an early death. There are so many demons associated with conditions like Stills. It is so much more than anyone can ever know. Fears surround you from all directions. Sometimes letting go of the things we love now will be able to let us love something else for a little longer down the road.

Time's Knots: The Knot Theory

I am not completely sure what it is now, but I have no concept of Time. Mind you I can't have a job and I can't go to school, so I have no real responsibilities or times to be somewhere doing something. Even if I did I probably wouldn't be able to physically make it, unless I play with Prednisone (that is a different blog though). But I can't understand Time anymore.

I don't know what day it is. What the date is. What month it is. What year it is. Time is a blur.

An example is that it doesn't even feel like Christmas. But I think that is less something to be sad about and more like a good thing, because every day feels like Christmas. Every day is full of magic and light and love and joy and celebration. To you Christmas is rare. To me it is everywhere everyday. I think it is less sad for me, like you are thinking and more sad for you like you are totally not thinking. Every day is special. I felt sad about it at first for sure, that is the normal reaction. But tonight, I don't. Like in Blue Like Jazz God is actual magic, not just an illusion. And I am aware of that. So no more sadness. Only joy!

My mom said, back when writers didn't officially realize how underpaid they were, that she knew why I watch TV. It is because that is the only way I know what day it is. Cue smile.

Sunday: Extreme Home Makeover and DH
Monday: How I Met Your Mother, Big Band Theory, Chuck, and Heroes
Tuesday: Bones and House
Wednesday: Pushing Daisies and Bionic Woman and Life
Thursday: Smallville and Greys

Friday and Saturday wishing it was any other day

Between TV and my AM/PM weekly pill container I know what day it is. Other than that, not so much...Sometimes.... Maybe....ok, occasionally. Isn't that strange though? Imagine not knowing what day it is at 21.

I used to be one of those "I work too hard seven days a week with a full day planner" Rory Gilmore with athletic ability types. And now...now all I have to do is:

wake up, get out of bed (which is harder than you think), muster strength and appetite to eat something, take pills in correct order at correct times, read, write, talk to God, play the guitar to praise God, spend time alone with God, fall in love with God, listen to music, enjoy some part of the day, find beauty in the day, hug mom, hug dad, pet dog, occasionally shower, sleep a bit if at all, watch TV.

And all that really doesn't take up much time in a day. And I do the same thing every day, so it all blurs together.

I can't remember much about the different days anymore either. I can't remember if I just thought something or if I said it already. And with an imaginative mind that thinks way too much now as a writer, it is even more blurry. I facebook or text people stuff that I am not sure if I have said before. I hope they know I truly mean it if I end up saying it more that once. And it has obviously been on my heart and mind a lot if I say it more than once. So don't feel like I am just saying it again for attention or whatever, or think it has lost its meaning. It hasn't! I am just lost in Time's line. I really am.

It is more like a knot really, to tell you the truth. Stuff overlaps and gets confusing and I get so lost trying to follow it in a line. And all those moments sitting above Time with God taking a good look at everything that confuses me down here.

But who knows what Time really means anymore anyways? And I bet it has knots in it anyways. You just might not be aware of it. Or maybe my Time within my reality is full of knots and yours isn't. Or maybe Time is a bunch of knots. We don't really know.

I guess I am just trying to say, this is hard, this life that isn't a line, that is all knotted. It is hard for me, and it is hard for you, either your life with knots or you dealing with mine. But this is the way it is and I want you to know that. My mind is lost all the time. And I can't follow life in its line, if it is even straight and knot free. So I know you don't understand this life I life because you don't live it, but I do, and I am telling you it is hard and confusing, and I hope that explains part of me to you, though it probably doesn't. It kinda confuses me more and I am writing it. But this changes me. This knotted life makes me different from you in ways you don't understand, and I want you to understand me, or to help me understand me. And that is why I am talking this out with you. That and there are others like me. Who are sick, who are tired, who are sick and tired, who are sick and tired of being sick and tired and not living life in a line. Who are tired of trying to undo all the knots, or who have given up on trying to unknot life and are realizing that where life loops deformity back in time of forward in time, you too will find beauty. But that doesn't mean deformity is gone. It just means we are trying to focus on just one of the lines of string and knot the other one :) Is any of this making sense. It feels quite non-sensical.

All I know about today, is today I am alive. Today I feel the pain of both beauty and deformity at the same Time, and I believe Time exists within God, and us within Time, so us within God and that is all that really matters, not the knots, but that doesn't mean they don't affect and effect me (us) in ways we still seem to be completely unaware of. Time's knots probably have more effect and affect than we may ever know. I mean, forget string theory. What about the Knot Theory.

I Asked (Merry Christmas!)

It is Christmas, the time to hope for stuff, to ask for stuff, to give someone else something in anticipation that they give you something. We make lists for others and we make lists for ourselves. The one time we can really have a list of stuff we want and not just stuff we need. We hope, pray and ask for things. So that got me to thinking...There are a lot of things I ask God for on a regular basis, or have asked Him for, been asking Him for, for a long time.

I ask for happiness regularly. You know what He has given me? Joy.

I asked for a career, the career of my dreams. You know what He gave me? A purpose, the job of His dreams for me.

I asked to not feel so lonely, and He taught me how to spend more time with Him and never really feel lonely.

I asked for a man, a boy, someone to be in love with. He gave me Christ.

I asked for knowledge, and He has given me wisdom. I have to work for it by reading and trillions of hours alone with Him lost in thought, but I have a bit of it now.
And there are other things...

I asked to be more like Christ, and now I suffer physically on a regular basis.

I asked to know Him more and so now I have time to do that.

I asked to finish in last place, before I knew what that really meant, and now look at my life: no job, no education, no health, no social life, no money, no much of anything. That is last place in the world's eyes for sure.

I asked to appreciate life more, and now the sunrises and sunsets and moon and sleeping puppies and clouds are more beautiful and precious than they ever were before.

I asked for a Christian community and He gave me my parents. And He helped me realize I had a great Christian community I took for granted for so long.

I wanted to not hate my hometown as much, and those drives I go on have made me love part of this area.

I asked to walk by faith, and now am finding myself make so many decisions only on faith. Decisions most would consider rash and impractical or unthought out, but decisions that are lead by the Holy Spirit directing the wings of the butterflies in my stomach. And they always work out, for what feels like I am exactly where I am supposed to be doing what I am supposed to be doing right when I am supposed to.

I know most look at my life and think sad thoughts for me in their hearts and minds. I appreciate that. And to be honest, that is what I want. You need to respect this disease and never take it lightly. Too many lives I have known to be completely destroyed by this disease. But me, my story. It is full of pain and fatigue and zero sleep and a body that feels like lead and fears of waking up in a hospital unable to lift my arms to wipe the tears from my eyes, when I consequentially want to die...But! But I am ok. All those things above, you wish you have been given from God. Trust me. You wish. Because life is full of beauty just as much, or more if you pay attention than deformity.

I have since being diagnosed, as many friends and family members have as well because they love me, asked God to heal me. I am 99.9% sure we have been asking for a physical miracle. Like Paul being healed of his blindness. I am thinking though, the best part of Paul being healed so he could see again, wasn't that he could see, but that he could see with Christian eyes that were birthed from a change of heart. He told people that it was because of an illness that he was preaching to them. The spiritual miracle that he experienced came with the physical miracle. And if Paul, or I were given a choice, we would always opt for the spiritual miracle. And that my friends, when we asked God to heal me, is what He did, He healed me spiritually. It has been a battle. The Devil went to God and said, "I bet if we take everything away from Katie she won't be all that everyone thinks she is. She will crumble and fall away from You." And God said, "Do what you want, just don't kill her."

God knew I would come back from the Devil's schemes, God's tests, and prove that I trust Him. It took a year or so to get on the right path, to circle the right letter on the test, and then I had more questions, and short answers and a couple essays along the way, and the test is far from over, but I think I am doing well. I have filled in the circle that says "spiritual" under the physical or spiritual miracle question. And that has saved my life, this one and the next.

We asked for a miracle guys, and He performed it. It just sucks that so many of you are still in your blind phase like Paul and I used to be. I hope someday you ask to see and then God heals the eyes of your heart.

If you ask, you will receive. Just remember it may not be in the way you thought. It will probably be better! And remember, it is because of an illness that I am preaching to you!

Merry Christmas, may He give you all you ask for, in His way!

Breathing Blood

There is a lot about myself I can't quite understand. My inability to communicate well or often is just a tiny part of the mystery that I am working on discovering in Christ. More than that, I pray every day I can do something about it. But leave it to Donald Miller to solve just a bit of it for me.

I often chalk some of my isolation up to depression because that is what so many people tell me, or assume. But I have always felt there was something deeper than the broad diagnosis of depression, and Don has helped me continue to believe it is more complicated.

He answered why there are some people that I am drawn to and why there are others I slowly yet quickly pull away from.

"Sometimes I think the reason we don't like certain people is because we feel insecure around them. We like to chalk it up to political or philisophical differences, maybe, but the truth is, if we are honest, we are drawn to those who validate us and affirm us, and we resist those who don't." (To Own A Dragon page 86)

Since having a rare systemic auto-immune disease and consequencially dropping my dream job, then dropping out of college, then barely physically being able to do much of anything I feel like I am endlessly needing to defend myself. Part of that is me jumping to high conclusions, part of it is true. I can give you less than a handful of people who validate me and my disease, my life with my disease, and an infinite seeming number of people who just don't get it.

I don't know what I am really saying yet, other than Don is right, and sometimes in my life that is why I pull away, why we all pull away (if we are smart, believing we are people who need told who we are and we believe too quickly who people tell us we are). But I think that is all I got for now. It is late and I am exhausted. And my brain needs to breath even more blood over this one (Lair, by Robert Pinsky).

Love Me Back

So I am reading Romeo and Juliet to work on one of my relations with Christ, the Bride to Bridegroom relationship because Juliet can be a Bard's Christ figure. And I got to thinking, to connecting thoughts. I am still working on it, but here are some of the thoughts.

We all have dreams, things, or goals that we love. Someone may love their dream job, playing the guitar, singing, sports, gardening, video games, whatever. I mean we really love them, ya know? I love TV for example and reading. We show the things we love, love. But here's the thing, we aren't in love, the thing and I aren't in love. Sports can't love me back like a person can. TV can't love me back like a person can. I show TV a lot of love, but we aren't in love. It can't love me back.

Take that with Sexy Carrots in mind. Take that with green lights, with Daisy, in mind. Take that with Rosaline, whom Romeo shows so much love for, in mind. None of these things, or girls loved those who loved them back. Wouldn't it make much more sense to love something or someone who loves you back, only then can you be in love instead of just showing love, instead of being the only one who loves.

This just made so much more sense to me, to be in love you have to have someone who loves you back. Christ loves me back. God loves me back. They are things to chase, because they truly love me. As beings who are like people in that they can love, and love perfectly, that is someone priceless to chase for the rest of my life, this life, so I can be with them in the next. To be with someone who loves me back for forever. How horrible to not know love. To not be loved back. Gatsby kills himself over it.

Immediately Romeo loves Juliet. I mean immediately!

FRIAR LAWRENCE:
"Holy Saint Francis, what a change is here!
Is Rosaline, that thou dist love so dear,
So soon forsaken? ...
Art thou changed?"

And Romeo wonders to the Friar why he is being scolded for loving Rosaline, and the Friar wisely responds with,

"For doting, not for loving, pupil of mine."

Doting: to show love, not to be in love.

FRIAR LAWRENCE:
"Thy love did read by rote, that could not spell."

Meaning something like he was reciting loving things from his memory, not from experience, not from a book of love (their relationship); he wasn't reading as he saw it, as he experienced. He had been using iambic pentameter, that we are used to from Shakespeare, when talking of Rosaline, but he uses free verse, love flowing freely from his heart, when talking of Juliet. The difference between loving someone who doesn't love you back, and being in love. The difference between showing someone love and being in love with someone.

Romeo says he has already forgotten Rosaline's name, the name that means woe. He is changed. And so am I. I am trying to forget the Rosaline's in my life, the Green Lights, the Daisy's, the Sexy Carrots, all the things I chased for so long, all the things I loved but couldn't love me back, and focus on being in love with someone who loves me back. Christ loves me back. Make sure you are chasing something or someone who can and does love you back! Take those vows with Christ.

RUN TO HIM and He will welcome you with open loving arms. What Green Light (Daisy), or Sexy Carrot, or Rosaline of yours can or will do that? Don't you want to be loved back?

(Romeo and Juliet, Act. 2 Scene 3)

Love Is Our Strength

A very dear friend gave me something that is precious to her, and now it is precious to me. She gave me something the helps her through, and now it helps me through. It is a ceramic Mama Bear. The Mama Bear symbolizes strength in adversity, and yet I am thinking maybe it symbolizes love more, because she gave me something she loves because she loves me. And then I got to thinking that love is our strength in adversity. And I was just thinking about all of this and wrote a little diddy. P.S. Mama is on my desk now looking at me :)


Mama Bear knows not fear
All she knows is what she holds dear
Love is her strength
To care for, protect, and guide her young
To teach them how to sing songs yet to be sung
Love is her strength

And Mama Bear stands strong
Looking her love into me
Guiding me along
Teaching me how to fight
Teaching me how to battle some light into this long night
Love is my strength

Love is our strength in adversity
Love is the strength that gets us to the top to look back and see
Just how far we have come
To see who we were and be proud of who we have become
Love is our strength
To live life, well and strong, in its length...
Love is our strength

How Did Romeo Know

How did Romeo know, and what does that mean for us?

"I fear too early, for my mind misgives
Some consequence yet hanging in the stars
Shall bitterly begin his fearful date
With this night's revels, and expire the term
Of a despised life closed in my breast
By some vile forfeit of untimely death.
But he that hath the steerage of my course
Direct my sail..." (Act 1. Scene 4. lines 113-120)

Perhaps this foreshadowing, with Galations 2:20, can be kept in mind with us Christians. I see the North star shining in this Christmas sky, and I feel what is about to happen in the coming year.

Please expire the term of a despised life locked away in my chest.
May I die to myself more often.
May He live in me and guide my sails.

Revelation, A Haiku

Not many can read
Even less can understand
But I can do both

Hymn

At morn--at noon--at twilight dim--
Maria! thou has heard my hymn!
In joy and woe--in good and ill--
Mother of God, be with me still!
When the Hours flew brightly by,
And not a cloud obscured the sky,
My soul, lest it should truant be,
Thy grace did guide to thine and thee;
Now, when storms of Fate o'ercast
Darkly my Present and my Past,
Let my Future radiant shine
With sweet hopes of thee and thine!

Got you to read a side of Poe you didn't know, again...hehe...I am starting to win--to change all you think you know about my dear old beloved Poe! (Hymn by Poe)

A Joke

Once Upon A Time...there was a Daddy Scientist Alien and a Momma Alien and two baby Aliens, a little boy and a little girl. One day Daddy Alien and Momma Alien were arguing over a laser that could shoot into space and plant a seed that could grow all kinds of life. Of course as they were arguing, about whether or not to use it, the baby Aliens were fighting and playing and running around and it knocked the laser off its stand, shooting it off into the abyss of space! BANG! The seed was planted! And from it all kinds of things grew. Like a planet and other planets and animals in the sea and on the land and in the air. And only God knows how much longer later some Apes were found playing Cat's Cradle. The rest is History.

Life's Seasons

Something I learned on one of my drives...

2-25-06

If hell can be related to the heat of summer,
Can heaven be related to the chill of winter?
I tell you it can not.

As I sit here frozen in the cold
I see the brown, grey death,
And yet we must get through.

We must survive this moment
Where time is frozen--
For if we fight through it,
If we remain here,
If we keep the faith,
Then spring will come!

Life will appear.
Color will appear,
But only for a time.

For hell comes again,
Accompanied by the great fall,
Followed by the death of winter.
And the cycles of life…
The cycles of life follow the seasons.

In Trouble

I often will get in the car and just go for a drive. Take some music and see the Earth God has given us to enjoy, to be dazzled by. Most of the time I don't like to tell people when I do this. I don't like to tell people where I am going, mostly because I don't really know. The thing though is they worry. And I am like, "Don't you trust God? Don't you trust me to not be too stupid. I am from California; we don't trust anyone. And God worries about me much more than you do. I just want to go hang out with Him." But still I get in trouble for not telling people, who can't do anything if I do run into trouble out there in the world, when and where I am going. "Hello! God knows and He is all kinds of powerful and loves me infinitely. If I am going to go meet with Him, would He really allow anything to happen to me that wasn't supposed to. Life goes on, or it goes on forever. It is a win win." But this is meaningless rambling in this world, where we are afraid of anything and everything except God's sovereign power, or the principalities of darkness for that matter. If you are going to want to defend me from something, defend me, no! defend my soul from the powers of darkness, not this world. I am in it, not of it. Anyways, rambling again as I defend myself. All this is a lead up to the poem that perhaps says it a little better than prose can sometimes.

2-28-06

I’m running away
I’m saying goodbye
I need to get out today
Don’t stop me; don’t ask why
I just need to get away

I’m jumping in the car
I’m grabbing my things
No worries, I’m not going far
I just need to find a spot fit for a King
A spot where He and His Father are

Leave me alone
Don’t try to stop me
I need to do this on my own
Stop worrying and try to see
I am going to kneel on His throne

I’m in trouble with the world
For trying to escape
I’m in trouble with the world
For trying to change shape
I’m in trouble with the world
For trying to live up to the façade
I’m in trouble with the world
For trying to be right with God

In The Shadows

I know my Mommy really likes this one. I literally was driving and had to pull over onto this dirt rode one late winter day--I just last minutedly pulled off the road and started writing. I got the basics down before I got to this lookout-turnout place by the river in Spokane and I just looked down onto the river, out to rolling hills of pine trees as the orange sun was setting. There was still some snow on the ground, but only in the shadier places. Thus the poem.

2-14-06

In the shadows, you can’t see where evil is hiding
In the shadows, you see a similar, but false image of what is real and true
In the shadows, you feel the chill of death
In the shadows, what desires to live and grow, cannot
In the shadows, what is icy, remains chilled…

But, when the frozen are brought into the warm sunlight all their troubles melt away

Resides In Me

6-10-06

Here I sit
Alone in this room
With this new thing inside
It resides in me

But I didn’t ask for it
I didn’t pay for it
It isn’t supposed to be mine
Yet it resides in me

Why does it live
Why is it mine
Why do I now own it
Why does it resides in me

I can’t consider it a gift
But rather a curse
The terror, the horror, the fright, shock and dread
The panic, the alarm--
They reside in me

They live inside
Defining who I am
Telling me where to go
Telling me what to do
Corrupting my thoughts
Eating away
As it resides in me

Leave me alone-leave-
Get out-you are not mine
Stop living in me
I belong to Him
He will win
I will reside in Him

Psalm 91:1

Givers and Takers

2-14-06

How am I supposed to be a gracious giver
When there is no such thing as an appreciative receiver?
They easily become moochers and takers.
I try to be nice, to have a pure heart,
But it is really hard when they don’t do their part.
Having one leads to another,
Where there are givers, you too will find takers.
Givers and takers.

Crimson Passion

Playing with the definition of blood 6-15-06

Devotion
Love
Agony
Suffering
Death
Life

The ruby liquid circulates through us
It is generously distributed throughout the body
It lives in us

The red fluid delivers oxygen
It gives nutrients
And it generates life to the cells and tissues
It eliminates waste products

We here note the common relationship by decent
We note the decent from a common ancestor
And we note the royal and noble lineage

All this from His devotion
All this from His love
All this from His agony
All this from His suffering
All this from His death
All this from His resurrection

All this given because of the Crimson Passion

"If you will lift a glass of wine with me, I would like to remember Him: Here is to Christ for making us, to Christ for rescuing us, and to Christ, who gives hope for tomorrow.

O true apothecary! Thy drugs are quick."

(Searching For God Knows What, page 232)

I read Don's book long after I wrote this poem, so long after I completely forgot about this poem, but I found it now in going through old stuff to share with everyone, and how fitting! I love that everything connects!

Belong

6-29-06

I don’t belong here
I don’t fit in the puzzle
Nothing is right
When will it be over?
When will the pain disappear?
When will I belong?
Where will I belong?

The oxygen suffocates me
The sun freezes me
The cold burns me
The water dries me
The night reveals me
The food destroys me
The friends break me
The family abandons me
The world misunderstands me
I don’t belong

I am withering down
I can’t breathe
I can’t feel
I can’t be
I am breaking down
I am evaporating
I am slowly, so very slowly, disappearing
When will I belong?
Where will I belong?

A Dream Deferred

It is all I ever wanted
It is all I ever hoped for
I worked on it forever
But then someone shut the door
That wish will come true, never
I never let it go
I probably never will
But, no one will ever know
They will never know what I dreamed to fulfill
They will never know all that I conceal
They will never know all I wanted to do and feel
With every dream deferred
A heart is interred

The Perfect Man

Maybe it is because my mom and I just watched The Perfect Man, maybe it is because in the movie Hilary Duff's character was blogging, maybe it is because I am getting used to writing almost everyday, but here are some thoughts about The Perfect Man.

At any given time girls will be talking, thinking, worrying, fretting, over-analyzing, loving, hating, falling hard for boys. Experiences with boys seem to be some of the most important experiences that girls, young women, women have. Boys make and break our hearts on a regular-roller-coaster-basis, and we keep going back, getting in line for another ride. We keep searching for him.

I like Disney, the channel, the music, the shows. And I pay attention to the words, the story lines, the songs and what messages are being sent out to kids young and old (or my age). And Aly and AJ, Hannah Montana, Ashley Tisdale, Vanessa Hudgens, Disney kids have a million songs about boys, or the Jonas Brothers with girls. There is that usual sad, frustrated, lonely, upset tone or voice for a lot if not all of them.

"I loved you. You messed up. Now go away. No wait come back. No go away. But I miss you."

This is what girls experience. This is what we as people experience, and it is what all of us long to hear, about relationships, about girls, about boys. We are so very curious about love, aren't we? The perfect woman, the perfect man. It is what we long for. Love. To be known and loved anyway, right Donald Miller? But my question is why?

For women is it because we are of man and we feel incomplete without being with him or of him, or we find ourselves in him? Is he the piece that we can feel is missing? Could be. For some I think it is. For most though I can tell you there will still feel like something is missing even if you do find The Perfect Man.

I think it is because there is an emptiness that only one Person of the Threefold can fill. I know He, They, fill me up. I can lie on my floor at night with all the lights off in my room and I picture I am in a meadow with grass for a pillow, surrounded by forest and mountains and blanketed with stars. I close my eyes, picture THE PERFECT MAN lying next to me and we just get lost in the balls of fire shooting across the night.

With Him by my side at night, in the morning when I go for drives to be with Christ, when the Sun rises and there are clouds that light up and maybe snow capped mountains that light up, or it is cold and I have my Starbucks in hand, blaring a cd of emotional choice, I am full. That missing piece is sitting next to me, paintbrush in His hand continuing the living paintings before my eyes, or the eyes of my imagination. What if the missing piece isn't a man somewhere out there in this world, but Christ?

What if your heart and your soul would never feel lonely ever again? What if there was the Perfect Man and you knew for sure He would never hurt you, there would be no roller-coaster, life would just be, forever would just be, lying in the meadow watching suns rise and set, blanketed under stars, your heart protected by walls of forest and mountain. Clean air. No city lights. Just love lighting up your life. Perfect Love for forever.

Why would you search for the "brurred photo" when you could have the real thing? (To Own A Dragon). Who is the man that you think will complete you? He may come close, and he may show you things about love you hadn't known, hadn't experienced yet, but there is even more for you. There is even more love out there, in the sky, in the clouds, in snow and rain, in the stars, in the mountains, in the sunrises, in the sunsets, in forests of aspen or pine, in grassy meadows and rivers and oceans. There is more and He is waiting to for you to accept it. To accept His love. Will you accept the Perfect Man into your life and let Him fill you up, today, every day, for forever?

"Leave me o' love which reachest bust to dust" -Sir Philip Sydney

Perhaps also we should listen to Paul a little bit in connection to these thoughts:
1 Corinthians 7:32-35


Here are some more thoughts I have perfectly according to His plan happily stumbled upon some time later, this time from Donald Miller's Searching For God Knows What (and perhaps this is what we are searching for), in talking about the story of Jesus and the Samaritan women at the well found in John Chapter 4 (and pages 135-137):

Then Jesus, a Jew, asks her for water, for a drink and she can't believe it. He talks to her about if she only knew who she was talking to she would ask Him for water. It has nothing to do with Samaritan or Jew, and everything to do with Him being the Messiah, about Him having living water.

"She responds sarcastically, 'I would like to have some of that water because I wouldn't have to keep coming out here to this well!' (see v. 15).

And then Christ walks directly past the barriers around this woman's heart as if He had been destined to live in and warm those cold chambers. 'Go, call your husband, and come here,' He says to her (v. 16).

The text indicates Christ knows full well the woman has had five husbands and is now living with a man to whom she is not married. The interesting nature of Christ's words is that they correct a misunderstanding. The woman had assumed the living water Christ talked about was like the liquid in the well, but instead, Christ redirects her immediately to a thirst of a different sort: this desire to be known and loved anyway...

He appeals to the desire of her heart, pointing out the dehumanizing cycle of her life that has driven her through relationship after relationship, none of which gave her lasting fulfillment. In a sense, this woman was looking for importance and love through a man, and Jesus walks up and says what you really need is God, what I have is living water; if you drink of it, you will never thirst again. It is interesting to me that He offers Himself to the deepest need of man, not a religion, not a formula, but Himself. He offers to her a relationship that is more than romantic, more than a balm for her heart."

He offers Himself. Now will we come to Him and drink deep, that is the question. I have told you what you are thirsting for, I have here THE PERFECT MAN, will you have Him, and will you drink Him up and never thirst again?

Everywhere

From Searching For God Knows What by Donald Miller, page 60

"Here is what Kathleen Norris said about those monks:

Although their access to scholarly tools was primitive compared to what is available in our day, their method of biblical interpretation was in some ways more sophisticated and certainly more psychologically astute, in that they were better able to fathom the complex, integrative, and transformative qualities of revelation. Their approach was far less narcissistic than our own tends to be, in that their goal when reading scripture was to see Christ in every verse, and not a mirror image of themselves."

I wonder sometimes where God is, where Christ is. Are they not everywhere? Are they not in everything? How often do you find Them in the least likely of places? I find Them in the least likely of places all the time, like TV, music, and movies. Someday I guess I want a book that shows the world that God and Christ are indeed everywhere and in everything, even just a little bit, especially in the least likely of places, like Heroes, Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Bionic Woman, Smallville, even Grey's Anatomy. The list supposedly is endless, is it not, if They are indeed everywhere and are in everything. Where there is bad, there is good. Where there is a shadow, there is light.

So imagine not just seeing Christ in every verse, but everywhere and in everything as well. That sounds pretty amazing to me. And I love these revelations so much I figure so will others. What do you think?

Searching For God Knows What: Green Lights, Sexy Carrots, and A Dragon

"Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It elluded us then, but that's no matter--tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther....And one fine morning----
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past."

"There once was a Rabbit named Don Rabbit. Don Rabbit went to Stumptown Coffee every morning. One morning at Stumptown, Don Rabbit saw Sexy Carrot. And Don Rabbit decided to chase Sexy Carrot. But Sexy Carrot was very fast. And Don Rabbit chased Sexy Carrot all over Oregon. And all over America, all the way to New York City. And Don Rabbit chased Sexy Carrot all the way to the Moon. And Don Rabbit was very, very tired. But with one last burst of strength, Don Rabbit lunged at Sexy Carrot. And Don Rabbit caught Sexy Carrot. And the moral of the story is that if you work hard, stay focused, and never give up, you will eventually get what you want in life. Unfortunately shortly after this story was told, Don Rabbit choked on the carrot and died. So the second moral of the story is: Sometimes the things we want most in life are the things that will kill us."

I know we are borne back ceaselessly into our pasts, and we are swimming against the current. But which part of my past am I swimming against? Which part will I flow with? Which way is East? Which way is West? I don't want to choke and die. I am standing on this dock, or the moon, looking for the key to unlock, my past for my future's sake. I don't want to be a fake. I just want to be me. I just want to see, where to go next. How do I avoid the sexy carrots and green lights?

"It's more like I was swimming in a river and there were two equal currents...People assume when you're swimming in a river you are supposed to know which way you are going, and I guess some of the time that is true, but there are certain currents we need somebody to come along, pull us out, and guide us in a safer direction."

God, Christ,
Please come throw me a rope, and pull me in a safer direction. Rescue me from the lifeboat, get me fired from the circus, and keep me safe, happy, and content in the margins of Your story. The only thing to chase is You.

Quotes from and allusions to The Great Gatsby by Fitzgerald, and Blue Like Jazz, Searching For God Knows What, and To Own A Dragon by Donald, will you marry me, Miller.

The Note Found

This old note once hidden, now found
Makes my still bound heart pound an alive sound
When I see that penmanship, recognizable and memorable
I can't help but gently hold it on the frayed edges and wonder

Who were you with
What were you thinking
When did you write it
Where were you sitting
Why did you write it
How were you feeling

Things I can no longer know I wonder when it's too late to ask
And taking too long to think about it is a disagreeable task

But I can't help but wonder about the note now remembered found
With your perfect, pleasing penmanship
And when I wonder about the note
I wonder about what else I could find washed up on these shores
I wonder about what else I could find behind closed doors or in closed drawers

I see your penmanship
And my hands miss holding yours
And my cheeks miss the gentle touch of your lips
I see the note and...I miss you

When I wonder about the note once hidden now found
My heart wishes it wasn't still chained to the ground

Shade

Life Metaphors

Sometimes the Sun's light is so bright that I almost can't see all the beauty in from of me. It sometimes requires a little shade so that I can see the whole picture.

The only way to truly appreciate Light's true brightness is in the solitary pitch-blackness of the dark.

Where there is a shadow, there is light also.

This Thing Life, A Prayer

This thing here, my life, what You've done to it, it is pretty much amazing. I know I wrote the other night (the blog below) that it all feels the same. Well, I am here, this morning and I know that it isn't the same. These mornings with You, in the car, out here in land, watching the sun rise with You, these are not the same. These are momements I never used to take, or pay attention to. I never knew how important and amazing and healing they could be. I never knew how to spend time with You. And I do now. My life is different, and I am different.

Things feel the same when I get depressed sometimes out of spoiledness; the topics of depression are the same: Life's not good enough, I'm not healthy enough, enough of enough! because my life, Lord, is definitely not the same. This thing, it is somethhing else than it was; I am different, and I am alive. Phsyically, and spiritually, alive.

I am alive because of You, for different reasons and from different times: from birth and when the Devil was pulling a Job on me. You must have told him as You have told him many times before, that he could do what he wanted to me, he just couldn't kill me. And he came kinda close, closer than most, but You knew, when none of us did, that Your purpose was to keep me alive. To teach me how to live.

I am alive because of You. Because You wanted, want, me to be. And you came here and changed this life. You disciplined my life, and you disciplined life into me. For that I thank You. For this thing, living, I thank you Lord. You didn't have to discipline me so I could learn how to live, but You did, because You love me!

And maybe it is less this thing life, and more this thing love. Maybe life is love and maybe love is life. Either way you think about it, it is mine, because You gave it to me. You gave it to me as a gift.

Somedays, ok most days, I forget to open it up, ripping off the paper in excitement, others I do that instinctively now. But I am hoping, and asking, and praying for You to help me remember to open this gift up with excitement and use it more and more every day. Help me live, and love, as it were, everyday.

You wrote me into Your story
You gave (give) me settings, characters, and plots that come and go.
And You kept (keep) me in this story, Your story, for Your purposes and end.
You give me endless chances at making the best choices,
The little ones and the apexes,
As I try to learn from the conflicts,
And as I am trying to write a story of mine that is pleasing to Yours, as mine lives in Yours I hopefully anticipate the glorious resolution.

Life feels the same, but it isn't. It is a gift and I know that now. And I am here to write a good story (Let Story Guide You, Donald Miller).

RAIN

A poem I am working on:

So many seasons have past;
Feeling really tired from finishing last.
Calendar's the only way I know it's three years this October;
I can't believe I'm still the only one who seems to remember.
How does Fall always seem to slither up so silently, us hiding, immediately in a garden of leaves?
I guess it all depends on what we choose to believe, receive, and perceive.
For me, the weather, the seasons, it all feels the same;
If I feel anything, it's usually pain.

I just know if it were to rain
I would forget the pain
As if I were finally waking
And all this is a lie the Devil’s been faking

Logic is trailing far beneath my sentiments disguised by sensations
I imagine his circumvention has been this way for generations,
Probably since the beginning of creation
I can see the scenery changing before my eyes
Being concealed; I forget my mind and heart,
Tearing every reality apart
I only seem to feel the Devil’s lies
And only what I feel is determining what is real

I just know if it were to rain
I would forget the pain
As if I were finally waking
And all this is a lie the Devil’s been faking

Bring down the rain to clean life up a bit
To let the floodwaters lift logic out of this pit
Mortality isn’t the only reality
Especially if we understand morality
Is connected back to a relationship with You
To know, cling, follow and love You through and through
Since I only seem to know what I feel
Can’t You begin to determine what is real?

I just know if it were to rain
I would forget the pain
As if I were finally waking
And all this is a lie the Devil’s been faking

Strum (The Box)

A beat, something new
A chord, vibrating all the way through
Finds a path from the bottom up
To the box that wants to open up
But is too afraid to
To be music
Too afraid to Echo my King
Too afraid to sing

The Soul and the Self

In the life of every man there occurs at least one epoch, when the spirit seems to abandon, for a brief period, the body, and, elevating itself above mortal affairs just so far as to get a comprehensive and general view, makes thus an estimate of its humanity, as accurate as is possible, under any circumstances, to the particular spirit. The soul here separates itself from its own idiosyncrasy, or individuality, and considers its own being, not as appertaining solely to itself, but as a portion of the universal Ens (Entity or real thing). All the important good resolutions which we keep--all startling, marked regenerations of character--are brought about at these crises of life. And thus it is our intense sense of self which debases, and which keeps us debased (to lower in character, quality, or value).

I figure most people, from experience I have learned such, don't like Poe, as in Edgar A. Poe. Here you wonder why I don't say Allen, that is because Edgar A. Poe is how he signed his name. Because of his foster dad he doesn't want completely associated with the name, but he made it is middle name out of respect for the family that took him in. Anyways, your misled presuppostions of Poe will lead you to think you know him and thus not read much of him. But this is from The Opal, 1845, and I feel this is what happened to me from October 22, 2004 to November 3, 2004 and it has contined to happen almost every day since that week and a half in 2004. I haven't fully been able to put the experience to words, and he already has, so here, I just cultured you, maybe tricked you into it, and you might have just enjoyed Poe without any presuppositions. My work here is done, for now, 'til I trick you again. Hope you enjoyed.

What I Want

I am listening to a Donald Miller podcast thing about his new book, Let Story Guide You (by now you can tell his is one of my favorites), and he is talking about writing out what you want, your year to be like, your life to be like, and how these things can create your story, how God wants us to live better stories, like one more pleasing to Him. So lets write some of my wants out, especially since I know the new year will be here soon.

I want to write more, for God, for anyone who may know Him more through words He helps me put on paper.

I want to work on my friendships, to be a better friend.

With that I want to be more selfless.

I want to work on all aspects of my faith, on every relationship I have with God and Christ.

I want to continue to see Christ everyone, and in everything, like in Tv, movies, and literature, and music, and nature.

I want to be more involved in some sort of community.

I want to be more altruistic.

I want to help this world, literally, hands on somehow; if it be writing, so be it. If not, so be it.

I want to spend more time with God.

I want to be more confident in my writing.

I want to communicate better with everyone.

I don't want to waste a moment.

I want to figure out what I want to do when in comes to physical health and Kaiser.

I want to read more, and retain more when I read. The Bible in particular.

He Ran To Me

This is Clark holding Chloe, Season 5 of Smallville. She had followed him to the Fortress of Solitude and needed him to save her because she was so cold. So he stopped his Superman training to run to her, to hold his friend warmly in his arms, and to save her.

Take this to heart with some lines from a Phillips, Craig, and Dean song:

When God Ran

And then He ran to me, He took me in His arms
Held my head to His chest, said “My [friend's] come home again”
Lifted my face, wiped the tears from my eyes
With forgiveness in His voice He said,
“[Friend] do you know I still love you?”
He caught me by surprise as He brought me to my knees
When God ran – I saw Him run to me

And maybe instead of waiting all the time for Him to run to us, what if we started running towards Him:

Run To You by The Rocket Summer

Run to you, I will run, I will run.
I will move right on through
All of these things that I have done.
And you'll take me back, I don't know why.
I want to say I'll never do it again,
But I can't, but I will try.

Vows

I have been thinking about my relationship(s) with Christ and I thought of something I wanted to exchange with Him, for all to see, and for more to find more ways to engage Him.

I take you, Christ, to be my Bridegroom, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, for forever.

Amen (So be it, Truly), Zoe

To be my: Bridegroom, Shepherd, Friend

Hardcore Christianity

I have a notebook that has become, over some time now, the notebook where I keep a lot of chapter ideas for books. I say books because I have so much to say and I have a need for a direction to point everything too, you know, besides God of course. And there is this one chapter I want to call "Hardcore Christianity," mainly because in high school people, other students said I was such, "Hardcore Christian."

You know, there was a day we sat outside the weight room during P.E., just talking, instead of jumping rope (yeah it was P.E. old school style, and we were "hardcore" rebelling), about a party and how I wouldn't go and how I wore a WWJD bracelet and tried not to cuss or be mean to people--I mean here I am a Christian-nerdy-jock (not always in that order) sitting with literally the punk-rocker-seemingly-slacker-types, hanging out and talking about them drinking and smoking and having sex and whatever and I obviously didn't have that much to contribute to the conversation and they picked that up quickly--and so of course I am called, labeled, whatever, the goody-two-shoes (and why wouldn't I have two shoes, and two that are bad, that sounds uncomfortable, especially for P.E.) Christian type. But they used specific diction when telling me how Christian I was. I was "Hardcore Christian."

I took this as a compliment, sort of, and they were nice people, made fun of me a lot (but that seems to be a normal friend high school thing), but nice and for the most part respected me probably because I respected them.

SIDENOTE: I want to admit, to show something about fitting in, that I also felt like a bit of a loser because I didn't do what they did. There was a small part of me, I fully admit, that wondered about all this fun I could have if I wasn't "Hardcore Christian," and for that matter I wondered if I was only a little bit Christian if that meant I could go to the party and not hurt Jesus' feelings as much, somehow. I wondered and still wonder if there really are levels of Christianity, of faith for that matter.

I think in this world there are, now, after the Fall. I mean we have created levels for some reason. Our relationship with God was severed and we are apart from Him now. Donald Miller in To Own A Dragon talks about God being a type of "bubble boy" who can't come into full contact with us because of our sin germs. So I begin to think that levels of Christianity or faith are a matter of how close or far in "distance" you are from your god. Like levels of friendship.

There are friendship seminars about 1-4 levels of frienship. Level 1 being a nod and a hi when you see them here and there. 2 being a quick catch-up conversation when you see one another, maybe getting coffee here and there. Level 3 means you can eat together and have deeper conversations on a more regular basis, and 4 is like you are bestest best friends, spending a ton of time together and knowing everything about one another and being able to have seriously deep conversations.

I wonder if that is what it is like with God, especially because now I am a firm believer in a relationship with God, with Christ being the foundation of my faith. So, there kinda are levels of Christianity, if you look at it from a relationship standpoint with the four levels of relationships. But I don't think that this is the way God wanted or wants things to be, and they shouldn't be this way. We all should be at a 4 with God; we should be "Hardcore Christian," and then if we all were, then there wouldn't be kinds of Christian or levels of faith, it would just be Christian.

You shouldn't be allowed to be Christian during the week, but not while partying on the weekends. You shouldn't be Christian except during five o'clock traffic, etc. You should be Christian all the time. There shouldn't be exceptions to the rule; soon you may be not Christian more than the amount of time you are Christian, and that isn't the way, you can honestly tell me, the way God and Christ intended it to be. Can you imagine if Christ wasn't completely Christian, or holy and glorious and perfect to pertain more to Him, and come time to suffer and die on a cross for our sins, to save the world, He decided He wasn't going to do that part, He was gonna be around a 1 or a 2 on the frienship scale, but only during that one instance, right, so it was ok because the rest of the time He felt a 3 or a 4 with us, in His love for us. Thank God! Christ doesn't approach Christianity with its levels we have established, created. Thank God He was always a 4, if you are going to go with our limiting frienship metaphor, though it shouldn't be confined to anything, a level, a number, His love; how He approaches His relationships with us is limitless. We are the ones you have limited how we approach Him.

It is interesting to me that it was non-Christians who noticed our levels of faith. Any of us who have faith wouldn't admit that we have lessened it or changed faith. But they called it how they saw it, how I believe it really is, especially if I am talking from personal experience.

I think I got so used to hearing I was a "good kid" who was mature and did the right things and didn't really mess up in the world's eyes. I got used to people telling me I was Christian because I had bible verses memorized and understood some with my heart's mind, but most with just my head's mind though, to look back and tell you the truth. Because I wore a WWJD bracelet, because I was active in church for a while there, or I listened to Christian music, or didn't cuss or party or whatever, I was "Hardcore Christian."

SIDENOTE: Many psychologist and therapists (for the disease stuff affecting me, pain management stuff) have revealed, correctly, to me, that I didn't really party or smoke or drink or whatever not because of Christian morality (which we don't really understand, ask Donald Miller) but because I was a great student and athlete who understood how much I had to lose. It was way more an athlete thing than a Christian thing. And they are right. Yeah I had the bracelet on and that was the bit of information that made the cup (my brain) overflow with logic, but most of the cup was filled with stuff I could lose, like school and sports. Who knew I never really understood morality, which is supposed to be about a relationship with God and Christ, not a list of do's and do not's.

But just because I did what I was supposed to or listened to what I was supposed to or wore what I was supposed to that doesn't mean that is who I was. I can tell you all about my best friend. What her name is. What her favorite color is. The things she likes and dislikes such as the music she listens to, the style of clothes she wears and likes and dislikes and whatever, but what if I don't know her? Her being. Who she is, what her soul reveals about her. And what if, what if you found out she isn't real? What if this is just a bit of information I can spit out but I really don't have her as a best friend? I can think I am her best friend and she is mine, but there is a huge difference between me saying these things and actually living them out, actually spending time with her and listening to her, talking to her, laughing with her, crying with her; there is a ginormous difference between saying I am her best friend and she is mine and actually being best friends.

The same goes for God. For Christ. I had some of the facts and was doing some of the right things, obviously not really for the right reasons all of the time, and it looked good to other people, and they were telling me I was good, but I look back, knowing what I know now, knowing the relationship I have with God now, with Christ now, I wasn't so good people. I wasn't very "Hardcore Christian."

We are beings who need told who we are.
And I heard it from them so often that I believed it:

Who told you that you were naked?" (Genesis 3:11). Who told you that you were good and the Christian I would like you to be? Who told you that you know me?

That was the Devil slithering up and whispering lies into my ear. Thank God, He came up and has been shouting about who I really was, so I am not her anymore. So I am His friend and He is mine instead of just talking about it. I mean, these people can't know all that God knows about my relationship with Him, you know? God and I know my relationship with Him, same for me and Christ.

I thought I was "Hardcore Christian" because they, the world, told me I was. God has been telling me the truth these last few years. Just because someone says you are something, that doesn't mean you are. Only you know who you are. And if you have faith, if you are Christian, only Christ knows if you really are in love with Him. And how do you find out? Talk to Him about it; engage a relationship with Him. Be His friend, and give Him time to be yours.

There is a song I want to share with you that feels like the story of my life when it comes to my faith, to me being Christian. It is by The Rocket Summer:

"Never Knew"

I just ran into a few someone's today
Someone's that I never really knew
And I used to think how I had them all so figured out

But no, none of it's true 'cause I never knew you
and now the truth of it is, is I wanna be like you
So hello, good friend, I wanna be next to you
For my head, for my heart, for what's true

So I'm burning the thoughts of the things that I once said
Because you tore down the walls that the world that has put inside my head
And I just get sick of the things that we think, we think we know

And no, none of it's true 'cause I never knew you
and now the truth of it is, is I wanna be like you
So hello, good friend, I wanna be next to you
For my head, for my heart, for what's true

So take me and save me and change me and then make me
And embrace me and then brave my heart for you
No, no, 'cause I can't go on without you
And it's time for something never knowing, oh

And no, none of it's true 'cause I never knew you
and now the truth of it is, is I wanna be like you
So hello, good friend, I wanna be next to you
For my head, for my heart, for what's true

And as they strolled along
My heart broke out in song
From all the things and the thoughts and assumptions that I had wrong
See now I'll be on my way to make this claim
I'll make it famous in every way
I'll make it stay when I will save it...

No, none of it's true 'cause I never knew you
and now the truth of it is, is I wanna be like you
So hello, good friend, I wanna be next to you
For my head, for my heart, for what's true

If you are going to limit or put levels or numbers to your faith, make sure it is up there with Hardcore and with 4, but try to just simply and complexly be Christian, as He intended it to be. Imagine if we all were Chrsistian all the time.

Listen to A.W. Tozer people,

"We also try to measure abstract qualities, and speak of great or little faith, high or low intelligence, large or meager talents.
Is it not plain that all this does not and cannot apply to God?"
-The Knowledge of the Holy

Miracle Rain

I grew up and currently live in California, so for most of my life my understanding of rain and my thoughts and feelings about it were stereotypical:

"What is this wet stuff falling from the sky?! It is getting in the way, disrupting life, and it is so depressing!"

But I went to college in Eastern Washington and my roommate freshman year was from Portland, so I began to hear different thoughts, different philosophies about rain, if you will.

For instance there was an afternoon in September, or October, freshman year when Roomie and I were walking to the HUB. It was an extremely moist and misty fog spread thick through campus, which was all green grass and pine trees and old brick buildings (the campus where you see pictures on the website and in brochures and are like, “it doesn't really look like this,” then you get there, and it does). She had on Pumas, jeans, a long sleeve shirt, her beloved old puffy vest, gloves and a scarf, hands in pockets of puffy vest but not looking cold; she was born for this weather. I had on Nikes, jeans, a sweatshirt and was feeling quite cold worrying about how much colder it was going to get as the frozen moisture starting burning my nose, when she "soccer moms" her arm out in front of me like she's driving, I'm her kid passenger, and we had to break hard and fast.

"What?" I proclaim, completely startled.
She has her eyes and head darting around, her arm still held out, then she looks up, closes her eyes and takes in a deep breath through her nostrils.
"What?" I again ask watching her closely having no idea what is going on, and a little frustrated she scared me like that, as visible warm air exits her nose.
"Smell that?" She says as what ended up being half question and then half demand because I, the Californian, had absolutely no idea what she was talking about.
"Smell what?"
"Rain! Can't you smell it?"

She looks at me, her eyes real big like a kid in a candy store who can smell the decadent chocolate permeating throughout, the trail of smell floating around the room like in a cartoon and then swipes under her nose... but it doesn't pass under mine, yet.

And I don't know about you, but at the time, the smell of rain was no wear near chocolate. Rain smell in California is often the rain drying, evaporating, and burning off the dirty, polluted black pavement, when the sun comes back out. It is gross, nauseating even. So that is the smell I thought of, and again am unfortunately thinking of as I reminisce, when she asked me to smell rain. But that was sense memory, not me actually smelling the rain right then and there in the Northwest while walking through a gorgeous campus in September, or October. So I did as she said. I mean if she loved it so much, and I trust her, and why would she lie, and the look on her face wasn't of lies, it was of love, love of rain. So I closed my eyes, with head tilted up, inhaled deeply, and something changed in me that day, or began to anyway, like I was cleaned out of old bad sense memories from rain in California and reintroduced to rain for the first time, the rain God created it to be.

She smiled again because I was now smiling in amazement, getting a glimpse of what the wet stuff is supposed to do to my emotions and senses and my lungs for that matter, or at least what it should, because it felt good to breath in clean moist air. It felt healing and like a little surreal perfect moment in time as we walked down an old path through a picture perfect campus in the at-times-perfect-Northwest like two refreshed and renewed college students in a misty haze that took us into a Narnia-type magically clean and distant world away from the stress of studying and learning and growing up away from home...mmmmm. I can smell it now.

And rain is more than that "before rain smell." There is a "during rain smell" and an "after rain smell," I went on to learn. And it becomes instinctive, smelling these smells. Your body can also just learn to tell when it feels like rain. Your body can even tell when the earth looks thirsty and all the leaves and trees and plants and blades of grass are somehow, in their plant-like ways, opening up their mouths, tongues out, up towards the skies waiting and praying for the floodgates to open and slake their thirst. Rain, I began to learn, is all smell, look, feel (many kinds of feel) and so much more. It is a little miracle...

So Roomie and I had class together MWF Spring Semester at 9:20ish; it was our first class of the day for both of us. I would get up early, to eat "breakfast" and take some of my meds in proper orders and at proper times and study some more. She would sleep until I woke her up five minutes before I was leaving. Most mornings she would be sleeping there with her blankie on her pillow, her head on her blankie, her arm around her moosh pillow and Frogger (I bought her this little frog beanie baby with a Santa hat on it for Christmas) in her hand. Sweetest thing ever, then I would yell at her to get up for the fifth time, like a mom, telling her, "You can get up now and walk with me to class or you can walk by yourself trying to catch up. Make a choice." Mind you I have her backpack on her chair and orange juice in her Nalgene and I had grabbed her a granola bar, all she has to do is find pants and a sweatshirt and follow my figure down the hall, down the stairs, then to class. Simple enough, right? Well, she often had to catch up. Good thing I am old and slow and it didn't take her very long.

But there was one morning in the spring. It hadn't snowed in a while but there was still the snow on the ground that was really ice and it had been dead grey and brown all around for quite a while. We had a big test so we were Rory Gilmore-ing it through campus, walking side by side, flipping through flashcards, quizzing each other back and forth, taking up the path, completely unaware of other people, completely unaware the path could be for more people other than us. She was giving me a great study tip about boutonniere deformity, it's this finger thing involving flexion and extension of different joints, she told me to hold my finger like a hook of a pirate and think of a pirate's booty. I, because of Buffy, hold my finger and go, "Grrr, arrgh," and move it across the "screen" (the front of my face), from right to left like the little monster does at the end of the show, and then get a laugh because I like Buffy and the little monster, and then think of booty and get another laugh, because sometimes I am five years old. It works though, helps me remember obviously to this day…but there we were speed walking through campus holding the hook up, taking up the whole path like we owned the school, people having to walk on wet grass around us and on the outside of the path that had been mowed that morning, getting wet grass clippings all over their shoes and looking at us like, "Who do they think they are?" and we are kinda aware of this, that they are frustrated with us, but at the same time we don't care because we don't care in general, because we want to walk on the path, and we don't care because we are laughing about the pirate's booty thing and freaking out about the test we are about to fail, when I "soccer mom" her this time.

"What?" She questions.
"What's different?" I ask as we have now stopped in the middle of the path and people are even more frustrated with us.
"What are you talking about?"
"Something is different, with campus. Something is different. What is it?"
"Nothing, we're gonna be late." She tries to keep walking, but I don't let her. It's bugging me, and I am not sure I can figure it out on my own.
"No we won't, and what is it? It's something, I just know it. It looks different."
"They mowed the grass. Let's go." She starts walking, breaking through my "soccer mom" arm.
"Wait!" I exclaim. Boy are people staring. "It's green! The grass is green!" Man I am making it worse. She walks back to me and has that, don't talk so loud look on her face.
"Yes, it is green," she kinda whispers. "Good job. Let's go." She is pulling my arm to try to move me now.
"No. You don't get it, do you?" Brief pause, as I kinda wait to see if she will figure it out. "It wasn't green yesterday."
She just kinda looks at me thinking about what I just said, then looks around, then back at me in a bewildered disbelief. I look around with her, fully taking it in, while watching her take it in.
"Yeah," I continue, "it was brown yesterday, and we overheard it rained when we were in the lounge right now, and it looks like it rained, it smells like it rained, and now the grass is GREEN!"

We have a moment where a camera, were it on us for a film or something, would have been zoomed in on me and my excited happy face, then switched to her and her amazed face with a smile beginning to form, then the view of us looking around, then pulled up and all around us as we look around—quickly, this is all quickly because we are bordering on late—and have a quick moment with what I from then call...

"It's miracle rain! Brown grass one day. Green the next."
"Miracle rain, huh?" She says with a half smile, kinda smiling at the miracle, more smiling at me because I am a little crazy, but at least entertaining.
"Miracle rain," I say with a smile that was similar to hers when she smelled the chocolate rain. Miracle rain.

We ran to class and probably bombed the test pretty well. But the test is obviously not what I want to remember about that day, that morning. I had become a North-westerner, with a Northwestern eye. I had seen and noticed right away The Miracle Rain. The student became the master for a moment. It was beautiful and so was the grass. Overnight, dead-grey-brown to rich, dark, strong and alive green! Only God can do stuff like that, especially overnight, and only His beloved children can notice and appreciate and stand in awe in the middle of a crowded pathway, even and especially on a busy stressful morning. We can and should help one another appreciate and fall in love with His everyday miracles more regularly and frequently! Such as The Miracle of Rain.



I must note that there were many other miracles these beutiful friends introduced, in a sense, me to. Other places and things roommates and newfound family members taught me to love and appreciate, things of God. I hope to remember and write more mini stories like this one in the big story of How I Fell In Love With The Northwest, and thus with God all over again! Thank you! You helped save my relationship with my Father, My Shepherd, My Savior, My Bridegroom, my Friend, and you need to know that. I love you all!